* Razzle Dazzle *

paris paris paris

2005-11-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

How I wish I'm still there.... city of lights, shopping and the culture is mesmerising. 16 degrees walking in the cold crisp air fingers tingling but everything is so alive! life should be thus. Tis is the place I'll return again. 5 days is way too short we have only jus begun our mutual understanding to interact, explore & experience this connection.

i'll be back - nothing can keep me away from this vibrant place. reliving the memories just wont cut it - merci.

day 2

2005-07-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

second day at my work place.
some old familiar faces around - the rest of mostly new.
funny how it seemed that it would be conceivably easier to fit-in, me being there before.

in a way, yes - that's true but i would be lying to say the usual, it take some getting used to period is neccessary before everything is at a acceptable comfort level.
by then, the mind will be playing devil's advocate, saying 'its time to move'.
simple routine processes like using the photocopier, the in-out trays, IT interface etc.
and there's the not-critical but yet big 'fit-in' factor like: lunch buddies, tea-break buddies, hey even 'toilet buddies' to contend with.

nonetheless, all these will pass; i have a strong hunch that before long, all will be fine.

more so, i've made myself a strong intention - to be totally committed and to set certain 'milestones' to gauge how i would perform, my interactions with others.
these weren't edged out yet - but i trust instinctively, the guidelines are though unwritten, understood.

a new day again

2005-07-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

tomorrow, i'll be starting something new... again.

this should be easy, considering that i am quite the veteran in this field of changing occupations.
life is thus, as a particle in a stream, i can choose the path, by meandering this way or that.
chosing this path brings me further away from the other - i can not turn back and will never know, what it is like to be There.
but, this path, with its obstacles, twigs, rocks, pebbles are unique, by the paths' end, into the ocean, i know i'll never be the same again.
it's a fun and exciting ride - one , i wouldnt want to miss for the world.

whoossh!

reflections part 1

2005-07-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

came across a page in an old diary:-

6 Sep 1998
i am happy & contented.
my family & friends love me.
i love them
nothing else truly matters.

you can't hurt me; not through work
i know cos there's a time when I
have nothing; nothing at all.
but i am not afraid; nor alone.
i have what matters most.
love & support from people who
matters most.

i am learning. All that i can.
am practising. As much as i can.
experience. you can't take that away from me.
inside i am nice. take away my shell
and you still can't hurt me.
cos you dun have the ability to.
not physically anyway.
you are not family nor friend.
you are an acquaintance; at best colleague

i feel good abt myself.
i am loved and am with loved ones.
my confidence stems from within.
i have the ability to do well; and I do.

best of all these;
i am attractive and i attract positive vibes;
positive energy flows to me.
i am alive and i am glad.
i give my thanks. (to all and to me)

... and acknowledgements

2005-07-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

I wish to take this opportunity to thank you.
for the discipline and commitment in taking it thus far -
let this form another strong memory and anchor for you;
on days when doubts set in/ occasions when you need 'reinforcements'.

thank you dear,
I wouldn't be me without you being true to yourself.
with a little more Compassion, Acceptance and Forgiveness -
I can see now why I made those choices that I did;
my destiny has clarity and light.

I know the seed will one day take root and grow.
it won't be long now.

achievements ...

2005-07-03T23:55:00.000-07:00

woohoo! I did it!
am now a certified Master Practitioner.
Have gotten great feedback too -

"she shows firmness and confidence throughout the process; able to hold herself together and pull the coachee out of his state"

am unbelievable*
thank you!

break through

2005-05-20T18:15:00.000-07:00

just recalled the day when i am a certified NLP practitioner.

my wonderful trainer, Barney, once said, " with great power comes great responsibility" (sounds familiar? its from the spidey movie)

i sure do not feel very powerful then, but strangely more at peace and calm with steadfastness.
nope, not the Zen-i-am-enlightened sort, just - harmony sitting well in the gut.

more importantly, i managed to break up a 4 inch wooden block.
it means so much more than just the act, (i am soo strong).
nay.
its the symbolism. the mind is ready to let go of those voices " you are not good enough " or " what if it wouldnt break, how will the rest look at me?" or " I don't deserve to do well ".
i now accept the fact that like nature, the mountains, the trees, the river and the lakes, i am a child of the Universe; I deserve to Live, just as they do.

2005-05-18T07:15:00.000-07:00

seeing double?

little decisions

2005-05-17T18:48:00.000-07:00

isn't it funny how things may changed by seemingly minor choices you make?
like :
what shall I wear to work?
which route should I take?
where to go for lunch?
who's appointment should you cancel?
and of course who to meet up.

I met up with two fellas who may change my life. Again.
its nothing at this stage; but who's to stamp on the little spark of expectation?
i cant deny its existence. this expectation.

sometimes, it's hard. especially when you have met with Nothing before.
you know how it is:-
you take certain action. and wait.
and wait.
then -
Nothing.

i am in the limbo stage where waiting feels like a pain in the back.
so is receiving the news too, i guess.

please -
just give me the news. the suspense hurts too much.

2005-04-28T06:46:00.000-07:00

what you looking at?

mistaken Personality

2005-04-27T18:51:00.000-07:00

Found out something, that is at best A Revelation to me over the last weekend.

Remember the personality test i was blogging about sometime back? I thought I was an "8"; turned out I am a "4" with a 3 wing ~

Type 4
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and TemperamentalBasic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significanceBasic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"

Surprises. Don't I love them all. Just that this time round, I am amazed how I was able to disguise my true self even to Me?? huh, looks like I have been subconsciously answering the questionnaires in line with What I Want To BE and denying Who I AM ...

Ok, i'll share with everyone more of this Type 4 that I am.
But wait. Lemme just soak in this revelation for a while first - I need to get used to it.

Skye

2005-04-21T22:04:00.000-07:00

my daaarrrling SKYE ...
see the new member to my family

cherish

2005-04-21T16:32:00.000-07:00

buffy baby

from recent events, i vow to be ever more understanding and loving and caring to you, my dear buffy baby .... muacks!

time for a change (again?)

2005-04-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

feeling darn restless again.. if you know me ~ datz not a good sign.
spells changes in the pipeline.
maybe good, maybe bad

these days i have so much restlessness that i cant even sit still.
wonder if its mid-life crisis (MLC)?
but then again. can't be MLC if it happens when i'm in my late teens, early 20s, mid-20s, late 20s... right?

smell the air... some changes are in store. i can feel it

a slimmer me

2005-02-18T21:36:00.000-08:00

Another day gone, another day of not working out towards my ideal silhouette. Damn ... what i wouldnt give to look like this.

sunny side up

2005-02-16T21:20:00.000-08:00

wish i am like those eternal sunshine people. you know those who see the beauty and 'interesting' aspect of all situations, accidents, incidents, slumps etc. there are days when i am extremely bubby. and no, i dont mean when i am high from booze. most days, i am a weird mix.
i can start of the day like i am flying. on top of the world. by afternoon or after certain events,
i am a raging tornado. bless those who cross my path.

strange things. emotions. endorphins. whatever term you name it, its all the same to me. friends say i am like the weather. at times, cheery & sunny; flighty &crazy; lighting and thunder next.
lookout! weird weather ahead.

the cup runneth over

2005-02-16T21:14:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how little things can make or break a Day. Just a itsy nudge here, a teeny push there and ....

st valentines

2005-02-15T08:15:00.000-08:00

just got a fab gift for V-day: its LoVely! on one hand I'm OTT with joy but on the other hand, I'm feeling guilty too. wish I had been more loving and less calculative; hmm... feel so shallow, now that I have been given the much needed assurance, I can stop looking for it. its embarrassing to admit that my insecurity is as such -- that I needed gifts to demonstrate depth of emotions. no matter, I am going to start afresh. He deserves better than this - happy valentines, dearie.

this is a fab surprise; thanks dearie

what maketh a Sunday

2005-01-31T06:00:00.000-08:00

Life's small but significant moment are far and few. Smile*
my dearie's Prince

name of the game

2005-01-26T19:18:00.000-08:00

For the past 2 days, I have not been me.

that's cos I am drawn into a game, highly political.
more like a pawn actually.
a scape goat.

only consolation is:
1) the other parties know I am only being used
2) there are others who are 'with' me
3) it could be worse.

hmm... point 3 is amusing.
what Could be worse, I wonder. Except hanging me, which is not a bad idea. May force me to relook at life and where I am heading.

Guess I really should think real hard abt this.
why am I here? in an organisation, I mean. Still remember in days past, when I was the naive gal - believing that my dream is to be a 'career woman'. If men can do it, so can we!!
omg, how trite and passe the term seemed now.

I hate this game.
After slogging at it for 8 years, I am no nearer to my dream since then.
I don't give a damn about belonging here, even more Darn sure this corporate ladder climbing business is not for me.

Rather than fire fighting, its Time to re-assess each day that I blessed with.
Time to re-assess life.
Definitely The way to start a brand new year.
Happy New Year, Miss Diva.

its gota be you

2004-12-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

hmm humm..
very happy these days. (most times) I think when you are looking forward to something, life takes on a glow.. hee.. at least that's what people say when they see me.
tum di dum...
life is Great. must be the christmas feeling.
wonder what i'll be doing next year christmas. Perhaps new surroundings, new resolutions?
Definitely, new perspectives =)
goosh, if i get any more exhilarated, i think, i will be floating
high up , up and away
to infinity (yup, maybe beyond too)

I don't miss you anymore

2004-11-26T12:12:00.000-08:00

Cold day. Colder sentiments.
Just wana share a nice song by Lisa Ekdahl that succintly sums up how i'm feeling now:

I don't miss you anymore
Unless the moonlight's grey
Or on a starry night
I just might miss you
A little bit

I don't miss you anymore
'less it's a cloudy day
Or if the sun shines bright
I just might miss you
Now and then

I don't miss you
'Till the morning fills the air
Or the afternoon is fair
Or the evening light is barely there

I don't miss you
And you know, its not a lie
Unless the moon is floating
high above a perfect midnight sky

I don't miss you
'Till the morning fills the air
Or the afternoon is fair
Or the evening light is barely there

I don't miss you
And you know is not a lie
Unless the moon is floating high above the perfect midnight sky

I don't miss you anymore
Unless i close my eyes
It's busy open wide
I see i miss you every day

just hope that such feelings don't last v long.

it's done - i am a 8

2004-11-23T14:21:00.000-08:00

sometime ago, i wrote abt the Enneagrams ("any-a-gram") test that i did.
unconvinced of my previous findings, i got my hands on The Enneagram Made Easy to find out what makes me tick or what ticks me off.

indisputably, I found, after using manual tests that I'm still an "8" : The Aggressor.
opps, just the sound of it makes me gulp.
naturally in the book/websites, we are told to not place too much emphasis on the terminology or classification title, just notice the characteristics each type will have.

hey, this is actually quite interesting and somewhat a 'break-through'. In the book, I found some purported ways I can improve my personality traits and nurture my strengths too.
and yesss, tho i may not be converse in its interpretation, what the heck, lets try it for fun!

go try the test and if you wana have a short debate/debrief,
here i await with great anticipation.

all that sparkles

2004-10-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

what's a girl's best friend? some of my friends will get a mental picture of the lovely furbie, who runs to greet you regardless what unearthly hour you'd stumbled home, smelling of ciggies, alcohol and sick (yucks!).
heck no, i am only talking about one of the toughest element on earth. its the cold, hard, impenetrable and ostentiously priced sparkler.

did i ever tell you i'm a sucker for sparklers? don't all gals yearn for it? Not, according to my close friends.
For sake of discussion, let's ignore the proproganda retailers are trying to shove down our throats, "Woman, raise your right hand." (yea, and pls place one of their solitaires on at least one finger first)

"If i'd receive such a gift (no smaller than the one/s I already owned) - it's deemed that i'm sufficiently cherished" i'd said.
"That's so materialistic!". So i've heard. Doesn't matter if its only a stone. It's symbolic, you see.
i cant help but think it equates to the amount he will willingly give up in exchange for this pretty thing that i'll love. This sacrificial act just makes me melt. This is a gross generalisation, i agree. "buying me sparklers"="he loves me" is way off, some say.

Similarly, why hang me with "sparklers-addict"="materialistic girl"?
but its ok. i wont fight it. i too wish i'm not so.
but i just cant help it.

woohoo! 3 cheers!

2004-10-27T18:24:00.000-07:00

i have had a most rewarding afternoon on site session yesterday.

a 'irritant' (I wont mention names here) did her worst, totally exonerated herself from responsibility and blame whatsoever and before I could catch my next breath,
she 'zingged' me/my team. (term courtesy from BJ: edge of reason)

teeth gritting, i heard my heart pounding and stopped myself from showering her with a barrage of colourful expletives.
irritant continued her 'taiji' till i just had to rebutt her - "you have no right to make comments especially since I dont remember seeing you at any of our previous discussion. "
then i turned my back on her. literally.
woohoo!!

In normal circumstances, I'll be beating myself up on how unprofessional this attitude is.
but hey noooo ... this time I felt great! (where's the champagne?)
to hell with her! she so deserved it and more.

who cares if its gona 'sever' ties between us? what goes around comes around.
this time, i'm just shortening the wait for her. so!

baaaahhhhhh day

2004-10-19T09:49:00.000-07:00

baaaaahhhh... that's all i have ta say

a short break will do

2004-10-12T17:24:00.000-07:00

Just went for a short walk with Buffy.
She practically begged me to let her out of the house.
okay, she placed herself right smack, infront of me, sat up straight, looked me in the eye,
which were saying "Pleeeeasee.... "
sigh. how can i say No?

I feel so sorry for her. Life as a dog must be really boring.
Eat, sleep, slouch around, wait for her to come home from work, wag tail, eat, sleep....

on the other hand, i wont mind doing a bit of that now, (minus the waiting and wagging ie)
hmm... maybe just for a short while.
that will be great too.

Hi Conflict. Why are you still here?

2004-10-07T18:27:00.000-07:00

just heard a great piece of news from an ex-colleague.

She'd been promoted to a higher position to manage a wider portfolio.
I am very happy for her especially as I feel she is more than capable for what this new role calls for. Of my ex-colleagues, I couldn't think of anyone more deserving of this promotion than her.

However, a small part of me (somewhere at the back of my gut) feels a sense of loss.
Just a year and a half ago, I gave up an exciting career to join my current company.
Hmm, if I have kept at it, would I have been granted such an opportunity as well?

One sense, the decision to move on is to widen my jobscope, to pick up more/varied skills.
but its really cos I couldnt handle the stress level in my ex-career.
its embarrassing to even admit this to myself.

for its just not acceptable, nay sacrilegious to say 'I cant take the stress'. This sentiment permeates every echelon of our society. At least in my perception of reality.

Not for the first time, I yearn to return to the good ole days.
Feeling the rush in adrenalin; meeting deadlines and achieving targets.
To bask in the glow of appreciation of a job well done.

then I remembered the intermittent migraine, the gastric issues acting up.
My body was telling me something then.
And because of this, I question: Is it worth it to barter my quality of life for a chance to climb up the corporate leader? It's time to slow down, move on.

I feel so torn. Do others experience this sort of conflict or is it just me?
Someone who wants the best of both worlds.
Forever in limbo, never really contented eitherways.

helpful souls

2004-10-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

further thoughts from my eventful weekend.

i learnt a heartfelt truth:
there are lots of helpful and caring people in our midst!

On Sun, when my mum was having abdominal pains and feeling faint -
1) a few concerned ladies stopped to offer their help and ointment.
2) a gentleman went his way out to lead us to the nearest clinic
3) another elderly gentleman offered his place in the queue for my mum at the clinic.

And today,
as I was doing the 100m dash for the bus,
a nice lady, on seeing my endeavour, flagged for the bus to stop even tho that's not her ride.

So, whoever said people around us are All unfeeling, uncaring or egocentric?
i beg to differ.

infact, henceforth, I am going to take notice of such nice people who go their way out, to extend a helping hand. Better yet, I will try to be one of them.

and they say life is uneventful

2004-10-05T14:16:00.000-07:00

This has been one Most eventful weekend.

on Sat night, the family went to celebrate daddy's birthday at a Indonesian restaurant at Cuppage. Till more details are confirmed, I am going to restrain naming the restaurant at this stage: anyways, we had a dinner buffet spread.

Event 1
thereafter, we went to visit a friend's new pad at Bishan.
just when we were on the way home, turning out from Bishan St 11, to Braddell Rd ,
one moment I was rapsodizing about my friend's new furnishing,
the next moment, I felt myself thrown forward.
thanks to the dear seat belt, I am still in one piece.

sub-event 1.1
a taxi had bumped into the back of our car.
the cab driver came around and started accusing us of not paying attention to the road! (?)

aiya, you must be talking to your galfren lah. young man, you shouldnt be driving on the road like this - danger to us, you know!

to cut the details short, we ignored his ranting, took down the cabbie's particulars and proceeded to file for insurance claims the following day.

subevent 1.2
my neck and shoulders feel rather tight, may have sprained my neck during the impact.
must have been traumatised.

Event 2
Then on Sun, all of us were down with food poisoning.
We experienced, to varying degree of severity, diahorrea throughout the day.
poor mum had it worst, on top of the frequent bouts of toilet frenzy, she had acute abdominal pain. Doc diagnosed as food poisoning (huh)

sub-event 2.1
today, to 'set things right', i called NEA to lodge a complaint.
hey, I must make sure they don't get away with serving such unhygienic food. They must be checked!
anyways, I spoke to a certain Mr D who assured me that he is the relevant party I can address my issue to.
Mr D, though polite, took down the particulars disinterestedly. Yeah, I supposed they must be really numb to such complaints - Not another one of these whiny complainants again??

Mr D: So where's the place?
Me: Its __ at Cuppage Place
Mr D: So how do you spell that?
Me: It's spelt as ____ .
Mr D: So you had diahorrea, you say. How many of you?
Me: 5 persons
Mr D:sure, I will pass these comments to my colleagues who will follow-up on this.

I tried to give him some details of Sun's ordeal, and he cut me short
sure, I will pass these comments to my colleagues who will follow-up on this.
hmm.. yeah, right. Please keep me posted cos i want to know the follow-up process.
ugh.. frankly, I am doubtful much will be done, given the level of enthusiasm displayed by Mr D.

for those of you who wish to know which restaurant it is, pls drop me a note.
and my advance apologies to those of you who may be keen - I am not about to reveal my nor the cabbie's car plate number.

one cave with a view please

2004-10-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

am very pissed.

just attended a meeting where-
'senior' people who epitomise credit cards (le plastic)
make senseless statements;
pretended to know about the real issues;
refused to make decisions;
'taiji' their responsibilities;
insinuate mistakes were made by other parties (ie mua!!);
smile and pretend all is well-
and shall we proceed to tea?

i wish i could have said to them:
that's bollocks!;
don't waste my time;
and yes, the hell to you too.

but no, i did something totally senseless -
i calmed myself,
said only what was necessary.
packed my stuff and
left.

i know the rules, but i am just not going to play their game.

ugh ...

really feel like I dont belong to this place where i work.

infact, feel that I dont fit into any workscene.

i am going to go. rent. a cave.
and meditate. for the rest of my life.

practical magic

2004-09-30T14:03:00.000-07:00

my dear pal gave me a survival kit y'dae.
going to place it on my work desk.

's a wonderful thought,
to know i'll have the tools on hand to ward away undesirable outcomes/beings where required.
ahaaaa ... boss and colleagues ... Beware*

out of curiousity, i checked out this page.
excerpt:

Despite Voodoo's noble status as one of the worlds oldest religions, it has been typically characterized as barbaric, primitive, sexually licentious practice based on superstition and spectacle. Much of this image however, is due to a concerted effort by Europeans, who have a massive fear of anything African, to suppress and distort a legitimate and unique religion that flourished among their enslaved Africans.

i am amazed at how little I know of this ancient religion and more so how misguided my understanding had been - Power. and Propoganda.

my little 'life-saver' kit on my work desk.
to remind me of the daily magic we can spin.

and that nothing is really as it seems.

invitation to chat

2004-09-29T14:07:00.000-07:00

today in the cab.
was super late for work (again).

i was sitting there, penning my thots into the little black book.
quietly so as not to in anyway encourage the cab driver in starting a conversation with me.

in case you'd mistaken, I have nothing against chatting with mr cabbie.
infact, many times, i have had a most enjoyable ride,
chatting with them abt mundane stuff like politics, taxes, the economy or even the weather.

but this morning, true to my apprehension, the conversation started the moment the cabdoor shuts and we have embarked on the journey.

So you going to class isit?
err... no, i actually work there.
Reaally? You dont look that old what. Are you a lecturer?

pretty used to this kind of exchanges.
so much so that i'd the std reply all at the tip of my tongue now.

Is there this 'come chat with me' signal i am unconsciously emitting?

If no then, what i really wana know is this -
are they chatting with me cos:
1) they are the chatty sort
2) i look nice and approachable
3) i look like i need cheering up
4) they are v bored
5) all of the above ??

there are times (like this morning), i wish i have a 'Pls Do Not Disturb' sign on my head.
rather so that they will get the message and not find my mono-syllabic replies non-reciprocating.
hey, i was just trying to hint to them without being seemingly rude *sigh*

jazz me

2004-09-29T13:44:00.000-07:00

love to sit in a cafe lounge that plays jazz muzak.
it is night, the lights are laced along the streets with cars splashing
through the rain.

i am safe.
at times watching the world swirl by.
me in the glass reflection and then my breath smogs up the view.

its cold and chilly out.
inside the cafe, cosy warmth and cloaked in jazz.
just me.

what drives you?

2004-09-24T18:40:00.000-07:00

during lunch, i mentioned that E earns so much more, drives a posh car, owns a nice property.
someone commented that i shouldn't compare.

do we compare instinctively? - is it a in-born talent or a habit instilled into us?
by virtue of our culture, the close proximity with our 'neighbours'
or are we brainwashed intrinsically through the education system?

i told him that i wouldn't need to compare if im contented.
so why shouldn't i be contented?
if i think only of my blessings, naturally i'll have no complains.
when i think only of my desires - *ouch*

someone once said that: for one to be sufficiently disappointed,
we must already have planned and anticipated for Something in great detail.

suffice to say, i wasnt too disappointed daily and therein lies the problem.
"i have not planned or wished for something wholeheartedly?"

i try not to think too much of what i really want in life. really.
For from experience i know this question has and never did drew acceptable conclusions and leaves me feeling inadequate, confused and extremely frustrated.

nowadays, i just move along with the natural course of action.
this is done; okaaaay, so what's next?

whoever came up with the idea that we must plan ahead?
that we must be getting from point A to B. Or at least know the route?
well, who says Not Knowing and Going with the Flow cannot be a Goal?

breakfast at Tiffany's

2004-09-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

was scrolling through this website.
have my mind fixed on one of these.

will now close my eyes and imagine seeing myself wearing it.
if i focus hard enough, it'll come true.
so they say.

miss devil

2004-09-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

i did something v bad. i said some hurtful things i didnt meant to. yes, i do that often - daily infact, in days past.
but this time, its different. this is after i've sworn i've become the New me.
The New me is all good. I wouldnt expect the world and i wouldnt expect everyone to give in to me. i wouldnt need to win all arguments.
I will have new habits - pure (?), understanding, give others the benefit of the doubt.
yes it sounds terribly dull (to some of my frens) but i only need a bit of this. really.

But when i uttered those hurtful words - i am brought back to my old self; all the days of hardwork gone down the drain.
why do we try so hard to relinquish those demons only to embrace them unwittingly. caught unaware.
maybe, i didnt really wana change.

actually, i did know where i was headed. jus a split sec before i slipped back into my old ways.
the evil twin that is me.
can i forgive me? it's so frustrating.
one moment, i am an angel and the next ...

kissing a fool

2004-09-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

they are now playing 'our song' over the air.

People, you can never change the way they feel,
Better let them do just what they will,
For they will, if you let them,
Steal your heart from you,

everytime i hear this song, some thing akin to melancholy is stirred.
its been a white-hectic, activity filled while since then.
the feelings are long gone but the tune remains.
of that warm star-less night - watching the waves crash. collapse against the bridge.
you sang this song, softly, quietly.

You are far,
When I could have been your star,
You listened to people, who scared you to death,
and from my heart,
Strange that I was wrong enough, to think you'd love me too.
I guess you were kissing a fool, you must have been kissing a fool.

they are playing 'our song' over the air.
except you didnt know so.
in your mind, there had never been a 'us'.

bb-licious

2004-09-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

i used to blame my lack of long slender leggies aka 'thunder thighs' to my having joined an uniform group during my sec days. was taken in by the "join us! uniform gps take up less time - no need to join additional sports or cultural club to chalk up the requisite ECA pts; more time for studies!". man, were we so deceived. less time for everything else, more like. till today, me and one of my fellow misguided pal will meet up and chew the fat (aayy, touche) on our unfortunate past once in a while.

remembering those exhaustive trainings is enough to make me cringe (still). you'll think rounds of meaningless marching under the scorching sun, PT, arms-drills and other senseless crap is enough for any fool to throw in the towel right? (aim at the faces of our seniors pls). Nooo, i had to 'conscript' myself to 4 years of it. suspect there's a masochistic streak in me. or maybe cos they branded themselves well - 'one of the few girls schools with this ECA' . waaahh.. big deal.

i should have joined a'cool' ECA that's sure to propel me to the ranks of ze popular crowd. Hmm... like maybe.. choir? or gymnastics (ooh - they'd one cute instructor) Eng LDDS, heck even volleyball. ok, i take that back, i hate volleyballs.

well, its not all bad. i have enjoyed (on hindsight) those days cleaning the storeroom (indicative of a pathological need for housekeeping duties?); memorising silly songs in low pitch/tones, cos its not 'sard' (hateful, hateful term) to sing in a 'girly' way; polishing those darn boots till they reflect those unwelcomed eyebags ... sheesh.

That saying, aside from the murky ECA trainings, not being in a co-ad school has been wonderful in terms of expansive freedom - no worries of the wayward bra strap; dont matter how you sit; classroom doubled-up as changing rooms; maintaining a image? what for?

Despite all these, or isit due to all these (?!) i Am grateful and i Am blessed. if not for a weird twist of fate (psle results can be deceiving) i wouldnt have opted for this school, joined the 'hell-club', and i wouldnt have known you. you know who you are. it's no use. you can run, but you'll never be free of me (*mwahahah*)
dear fren, this post is for you.

see what i mean?

2004-09-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

i got a gift a few days ago.
it is a DVD titled "Drama Queen". he told me excitedly that i'll be really thrilled cos its got my favourite actress in it, "the same gal who starred in Bridget Jone's Diary". weird never heard that she acted in this show (actually never even heard of movie title)
when i saw the disc, my first thought was: "What's this??" followed by "Where's Renee?"," Who's this blond on the cover?" and "huh, its a Disney film - i tink its a teenage flick" then "oops, how am i to react?? Quick! moderate disappointment. now!"?
managed to rearrange my look and said" Hee... i think you got the lead actress wrong; she's not Renee leh". "No what, see? she looks exactly like the gal in BJ Diary".
am v amused. my friend can never get the actors/actressess right. just like he couldn't tell its Nicole in Stepford Wives. so its a sign of being visually apathetic?
Hmm... but this doesnt' apply when we are in the vicinity of babelicious, well endowed species. hey man, those Babe-alert radar comes on.. so my take must be wrong - there's no such thing as a visual apathetic male, or female for the matter.
I see it now.

so sleepy

2004-09-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

yawn* i am still so tired. tired of yawning too.
so tempted to grab a cuppa. ohh.. yea, i am off caffeine for 2 years now. at least off from coffee and leached desperately onto tea. Tea is really a sad substitute for those aromatic beans. and yeah, someone told me the caffeine content is the same if not higher.

Remembered i had this burly chemistry teacher from JC who used to warn us - no 'eating of flies' during her lessons. wondered where that phrase came from? she's probably retired now. was kinda fearful of her especially when picked to answer those weird 'organic' question that i have absolutely no clue about. only remembered this phrase: "Markonikov's Rule - The rich gets richer" something about the tendency for clusters to combine with the nucleus that contains more carbon molecules. And all this while, i thought this phrase is commonsensical stuff. see? absolutely pathetic.
cant blame anyone, opting for Science stream had been the 'safe' choice. My major regret.

blame is a funny thing. whilst we are gushing and raving about why it is anything but our responsibility, it also chips away a little of our self-esteem. didnt you hear the little 'chink'? everytime.

cold day

2004-09-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

am really tired. took a cab to work cos just wanna sit back and relax.
Why does it seem so gloomy today? there too were overcast skies yesterday.
Why does the air seem so chilly and damp? its so v cold before i even stepped out of the house.
Funny how things change when you don't notice them. Did they change steathily or was it just me?

sorry, it's beyond my control

2004-09-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

i am resplendent, sitting here on my throne. my mountain load of work. i have been conscientiously piling them up not unlike a load of laundry. except its explosive. anytime now, it'll go.
so you ask: why am i still wasting time blogging right?
see, its this perverse need for control. yup, deep down. i am a control freak. did this enneagram test. i am a type 8. not sure wat it means, except that this indicates a 'control' issue in my personality.
right. back to the story: so i procrastinate and wait. i know i can so finish it (the pile of work, not the laundry), But only if i choose to. i dictate and i decide. see? control.
'come, what come may; time and tide runs through the longest day'. guess not anymore. im so in need of my control.

here we go ... WHEEEE!!!

2004-09-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

helen is The model for me. Hey, for the fact that we share the same birthday, that must mean something right? from one of my fav books by Victoria Moran , i got this wonderful quote from her.
"Security is mostly a superstition .... Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." - helen keller.

my vampire slayer

2004-09-13T16:42:00.000-07:00

hi, for those of you who don't already know. I am taken. this is buffy. she's such a babe (i overheard someone commented that she looks 'like an angel') and v. spunky (especially when chasing after winged creatures). my world is never complete without her.

"where can i kick some ass?"

a spoonful of courage

2004-09-11T20:56:00.000-07:00

yes, that's what i need. maybe a barrel-full, pls.
i have a confession. EVERYTIME (which is very often these few days) i see this email with a pwrpoint attachment, titled: Russian Siege. i . delete. it.
admittedly, this is an instinctive reflex - for i suspect there's a load of vivid & heartwrenching pics that will make me sob or worse, barf.
i know that:
a) i have read the papers regarding these senseless acts - i'm ok wif black-white prints (safe for a few carefully censored clips)
b) watching horror movies (heck, even reading horror books) is a big No-NO!. but this is what had happened, to Life (being seized); these are facts in visual mode.
*sigh* i am so ashamed. will you be calling me a coward?

preflight entertainment

2004-09-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

i cant get it out. of. my. head.
The Terminal & its tagline "Life is waiting" . may be read as:
1) Life, is (all about) waiting; OR
2) Life is waiting (to happen)
so catchy and thought provoking.

Give me a Sign

2004-09-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

Habitually, i read the Friday commentary column on Today, by my favourite satirist, Mr Brown. This morning, i cried (a little). Gd thing, i have the confines of my office room to hide me from curious eyes.
this article just melted me - perhaps its my emotional self speaking. allocating more funds for special early intervention programmes over the next five years is a great move; what abt education? when are we going to learn that our society should be all encompassing? (somehow the word 'inclusive' just doesnt quite cut it). how can we say we have progressed if there is no corresponding growth with compassion in our hearts? the interesting thing is Mr Brown's take- let's place 'P' (provisional) signs on our children with special needs. so society will know (at a distance) and will react accordingly.
spawning from this idea, why dont we make it easy for all? give tags to everyone - "Grouch", "Loner" or even "Bitch". cuts down the time and effort to find out about people around us, their mood for the day and hey, gives us ample 'notice' to avoid/accost/think (?) ..
y'know, deep down, we are not so different afterall. we are not perfect - we too have our own 'special needs'.
made me want to re-read this book. i'll do that. after i've composed myself.

D is for DVD

2004-09-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

J commented there's no such thing as a DVD recorder that does 'instantaneous' recording of a TV program. got into a debate on this - "of corz there is such device, its been there, sitting in my living room for the past 2 months"... its a long story. (darn, i could be $_K richer if J takes up my wager)
in line with the true inquisitive spirit of yours truly (and assuaging my guilty conscience for mercilessly 'taunting' J during the tea-break), i present this - review on this new gadget.

me the non-techno-savvy kid

2004-09-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

This is definitely a trial blog posting. i've had 3 blogs set up under Blogger but it cant get loaded. (urrgh) Before i get myslf excited wif my train of thots etc, figured i better try a 'trial' posting.
so here goes ...

It's Terminal

2004-09-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

caught The Terminal. was alternating bet bouts of hilarious laughter and infinite sadness for Viktor.
Arent all of us all waiting for something? what's with the notion that its the process and not the destination that counts? ergo, if i dont give a damn to the destination, would i even be waiting.
go watch it. tell me wat u feel.

to thy ownself be True

2004-07-08T21:52:00.000-07:00

Wow, stop this second, this moment..
Take a deep breath - just 5mins and i've joined the ranks of the happenin, the egotistical, the weird (??) Yes, my voice must be heard, the stand must be made, doesn't matter if you wont accept my take on the particular or the venecular...
hmm..awesome. scary too.
for someone fearful of even stepping into chat room, now im baring my soul?

but yet im free now.